Wednesday, 26 June 2013

Past Mistakes and a New Start

This will be the last post talking about my past, in fact, only part of it will be talking about it. With the events that have occurred over the last few weeks, i have come to realise that my life would be so much better, if I moved away from this area. So that is what  I am doing. Hopefully, touch wood, by Friday I will have the keys to my new place, and leave this retched area behind me, and start a new and better life.

This post is titled 'Past Mistakes', well this isn't exactly accurate, as I only have one mistake that I regret, and that was leaving everything behind, my life, my friends, my stability. I left it all behind on a chance.A chance that I could have a different life, though looking back now, I don't really know what I was looking for. Luckily, I am slowly making up for that mistake. I am reconnecting with people from the past, even my ex is becoming a close friend. Life is definitely on the turn for the better, and it's about time.

So now what? Well, like I say, I am hoping to be in my new place by the weekend, decorating and furniture will be hard, but it is getting done already, thanks to the help of friends, old and new. Then, once I am settled and my ESA and PIP have all be done, I will be looking for some part time work in the near future. There is a very good chance I will not be able to do much, but I am willing to give it my best shot, and see what happens.

I am now only looking to the future. My past is exactly that, my past, and it can stay there. What happened 3 weeks ago could very well be the best thing that has happened to me in the past 2 years. It has given me the shove to get on with my life, instead of wasting my time being with someone, who simply didn't want to be with me. So, to end this post, I will bid farewell to Lancaster, you will not be missed, and hello to the future, as my new life, has only just begun.

Friday, 7 June 2013

Too Much!!!

Things really are starting to get on top of me now. Being pretty much homeless for the past 5 days is taking it's toll and i am yet again, approaching the stage where i just want to give up. All week i have been on the phone and the internet, looking for anyone who can help me, i am coming up short. Ive even been looking at house shares, renting bedrooms from people, anything that i will be able to afford.

Ive been in many stressful situations before, but nothing like this. Being homeless, alone with hardly any support when i need it most. Im even grateful to be able to stay in a caravan, even though it is causing me intense amounts of pain.

I need to find myself a charitable millionaire who will take pity on me and give me a couple of hundred quid. But the thought of even that, is degrading to me. Ive always been the one to help, to give to charity, never the one to take help from them. I dont have much dignity left any more, but i intend to hold on to what little i have left, and i will go MY WAY, not theirs!

Ive always feared change. Change has rarely been a good thing for me, and i fear it more these days more than ever, and when you are forced to change everything at once, it really is a shock to the system. I would struggle with this if i was healthy, which makes trying to cope with it now all the more difficult. I just hope i have the strength to get myself through this. Ive never been one to give up on something, but i fear this wall maybe too tall to climb.

Saturday, 1 June 2013


Well just when i think things can't get worse, someone drops an anvil on my head!. My partner has decided that my disabilities are holding her back from her doing all the things she wants to do, so today (Saturday 1st June) sent round her friend to tell me that i have until Monday to move out!

I am writing this having taken a shed load of pills and a few cans of San Miguel because i really do not care any more! What is my life worth living for? I don't even have a roof over my head from Monday! How can someone who I love, who is suppose to care about me, be so callous and selfish, as to force a disabled man on to the streets, just because she thinks she is missing out on something? The truth of the matter is I do everything she asks, always have done. Everything she needs to do, including running her about while she was setting up her business, and my payment? Homelessness!

As of today I have lost all faith in humanity, and life! Monday morning, i need to ring Wyre borough council to see if they have any emergency accommodation available for me, if not, i will be living in my car. A car that i will not be able to run and has an outstanding log-book loan out on! I estimate i will be able to keep it for 2 months, before it is taken away, and with it, any independence I might still have.

I am not after sympathy. I am writing this just to get some anger off my chest. I probably won't be able to blog again for a while as I might have to sell my phone to try and feed myself.

I am currently on no benefits and thus have ZERO money coming in, and she knew this. She wouldn't even wait until i had sorted my money out before dropping this bombshell on me.  If you were physically disabled and used a wheelchair, could you live with being thrown out of your home, with zero money and zero help available? Just think about it. That slight feel of fear you might have in your stomach, is a true feeling of what I have right now. Complete uncertainty about the future, and not knowing if \I will even survive. But it's ok, at least SHE will be ok with a cosy roof over her head while I will be slumming it wherever someone will take me in!

Maybe now you will see why I have taken pills and alcohol, because deep down, I wish they would send me into a sleep, and I will wake up, and this has all been a nightmare. Please, tell me this is a nightmare!!?