poked and prodded

i had a test this morning called an Myelogram. basically this test entails numbing the skin at the bottom of my back. then using a fluoroscope, the insert a small needle attached to a tube. the needle gets placed into the spinal canal. the dye is pumped through the tube into the spinal fluid. this is a very uncomfortable experience.

your legs start to go very heavy. you start getting very bad nerve pain in your back, buttocks and legs. its entertaining though to watch it all happen on a 70 inch plasma screen! the side effects i was told that could happen are; nerve pains, severe headaches and bleeding. 2 out of 3 of these i have. i haven't seen and blood as of yet. the headaches are rather bad, though don't seem to be getting any worse. the nerve pains are alot worse than what i usually experience. so for today at least, i am couch bound and full to the brim with painkillers. so im writing this feeling very high, which is a challenge in itself! i just hope all of this is worth it, i cant take much more poking and prodding.

i should be hearing back from my consultant neurologist in the next week or two, so hopefully he will see something that other useless doctors have failed to notice.  

a little zapped

after yesterdays EMG test, my leg has been left a little worse for wear. walking is even harder today. i am  hoping that this is just a side effect and will go off in due coarse. but this post is mainly about ATOS healthcare and the vicious stories i have heard about them. i too know what it feels like to be at the wrath of this private company, hired by the government, to do "medical examinations" on benefit claimants. the truth of the matter is that 93% of Employment and Support Allowance (ESA) claimants, and 25% of Disability Living Allowance (DLA) claimants will lose their benefits over the next year due to new legislations brought in by the government. which will push many ill and disabled people closer to the bread line, and even into poverty.

i have created a Facebook page, campaign against Atos open for anyone to join or just to vent their frustration at ATOS, and hopefully our voices will be heard. if we get enough people on board, more people will notice. their have been many people protesting about ATOS before, but their voices have not been widely heard, as before ATOS screwed me over, i had never heard of ATOS, nor problems with them. its time that everyone knew about this.

the government basis is a "peoples government", which means we have a say! if more people speak out, then changes will surely follow. i implore you to join this Facebook group, and my friends over on Twitter, atosstories to help with this cause, and end this miscarriage of justice, and stop the government punishing people for mistakes the MP's and the banks have made.  many thanks.

afternoon of torture

i have just got back from a neurophysiological appointment at the royal preston hospital feeling a bit worse for wear! i had an EMG test (or an Electromyography test), which is basically electrocuting me and sticking needles in my leg muscles. parts of the test were so painful i started laughing, never done that before.

trying to get in the car, my leg felt a bit odd. kind of like a cramp in my ham string. getting out of the car again at home, it was even worse. now i guess im just going to have to keep it up the rest of the evening and hope it disappears by morning

the results of the test will now get sent of to my "so called" neurosurgeon for analysis and give me the results in due coarse.

meanwhile i await a letter through the post from walton neurological centre in liverpool, to which i referred to back in 2009. they told me that the mri's they looked at clearly showed the problem, along with the nerve problems, and that it would have to be fixed in the future. i have asked for this reports, along with the mri scan, so i can shove it down my neurosurgeon throat for ever doubting what i was trying to explain to him. this might sound a little harsh but someone has to bring these people down off their high pedestals.

breathing issues


for the second time now, i have collapsed to the floor in pain that i have never experienced before. all of my muscles in my back seize and go into spasm. my legs shoot with sciatic pain. the pain is so overwhelming that my stomach turns and i feel like i want to vomit. then my breathing starts.


my breaths get faster and faster to try and cope with the pain. after a few seconds of this, i realise that i am going into, what feels like shock. i start getting the worse pins and needles i have ever felt. these started in my fingers on both hands, and toes on both feet. after a few more seconds, which felt like an hour, these pins and needles started to spread up my arms and legs until i could barely move and lost the use of my left arm for over an hour. i realised that i had to control my breathing if i was going to get out of this. so i pin pointed a spot on the ceiling and stared at it. noticing my breathing, trying to slow it down, until the point came were i was barely breathing at all. just the very slightest of air going in, enough to keep my concious. after a short while on the floor, vicky helped me back on to the couch were i stayed for the rest of the evening, trying to exercise my left arm back into life


the next day i went to the doctors. the doctor explained in great detail, that i went into hypo ventilation, and when i start to panic because of the pain, my breathing increases, which in turn makes me fell even worse. its a vicious cycle that i have to stop before it starts. so now, i write this while being in alot of pain and trying to control my breathing. i do not want another repeat of that night ever again.

friday 13th from hell

well the government has now decided to to steal what scrap of dignity i had left. after a medical examination was "performed" on my last month, the examiner, a health worker from ATOS, passed her report on to another member who has made a decision that not only will they stop my ESA benefit with immediate effect, but has said i had no limitations for working! now im no expert on disabilities, and i don't pretend to be one, but when someone has to use a wheelchair just to leave the house, is in constant chronic pain, and is on so much pain medication that just leaving the house is a chore because of the side effects, then i would class all that as "limitations". after spending a good hour on hold waiting to speak to someone at the DWP today, i gave up. im guessing the lines where so busy because many other people had been well and truly shafted by ATOS and the government. 

take a look at this link, it includes a brief interview description between Dame Anne Begg; a disabled Labour MP, and Lisa Coleman; ATOS's general manager for its DWP contracts. http://www.update.org.uk/news-detail.php?page=132

and then there is this link from the Citizens Advice Bureau page from march 2010, which has found many people who shouldn't be working because of their illness or disability, being found "fit for work" by ATOS". http://www.update.org.uk/news-detail.php?page=132 

so now, the government has taken away my ONLY source of income, and has forced me to search for work, when i know i cannot physically work, but what choice do i have?! i can put in appeal, which i will be doing, but im not holding my breath about that. but its good to know the people out there who are able to work and just plainly choose not too as they can't get off the lazy backsides, are nicely supported by the government.

so, ladies and gentlemen, please stand and raise your glasses to ATOS and the Conservative party. its nice to know that with them around and making decisions, the country is well and truly screwed, and my proverbial coffin has now got way too many nails in it.  

restless days, sleepless nights

the days are starting to all roll into one, with sleeping becoming ever more difficult. some nights i dread coming to bed, just because i know there is a good chance im going to spend the next few hours staring at the ceiling wishing i could drop off to sleep. even the meds im on these days don't seem to be helping me in that department any more, and its pointless going back to my GP as there isn't really anything else he can prescribe except sleeping pills and i don't want them!

anyway, i have an appointment on the 24th of this month at the hospital for tests on my nerves and muscles in my legs and arms. i don't really understand why this is necessary as my symptoms are easily explained if the 'genius' of surgeon bothered to look at previous tests and examinations, but i guess that is just too difficult. i am also waiting to hear about another test that they want to do on me, which i think involved injecting a dye into my spinal column to illuminate the nerves and see where the problem is. so a fun few months ahead!!

until then i will carry on struggling. the amount of pain i am in on a daily basis seems to be increasing, which is getting me a bit down. it sometimes feels like im suffocating, or trapped in a very small bubble which is constantly shrinking. its very unpleasant to feels trapped in ones own body, wishing you could get out just for a short while to get a bit of relief, which might sound daft to a lot of people, but until you are put in a similar situation, you will probably never know how that feels!

thanks Torries

well i had a nice phone call this morning, from the Department for Work and Pensions informing me that my only means of income currently, my ESA, is to be stopped come April 30th, this is because of a new legislation passed through parliament. so now they are sending me a new claim form for a different ESA. if i don't get this, then i will have no income, AT ALL! this along side the DLA being refused, has left me up a very sticky brown creek without a paddle.

i don't vote, never have probably never will, but i have always thought the Conservatives were the lesser or many evils, and have known the Labour have been the source of nothing but problems, but while trying to clean up labours mess, the torries have well and truly arse raped me, AGAIN!

how does the government expect someone who can't work, to live?? i have written to my MP last week about this situation, but as expected, i have heard nothing in return. if anyone wants to know what its like to feel inadequate? come see me!

the day after the day before!

well, i've had 24 hours to think and reflect about all the wise words of wisdom that was said to me yesterday at the hospital, and all i can say in response, is that the specialist i saw, although recommended by trusted professional, really has no clue about medicine. i mean, do these people get their medical licences out of a kinder egg? i was told that he does not think that surgery is the answer, and my symptoms don't match what i have been  told. he then went on to say, and i really liked this bit, that there was no way of knowing what would happen in the next 5 to 10 years!! i told him that there was no way i was staying like this for 5 more years, the only reason i have been able to tolerate this, and i use that term loosely,  for the last 3 years, was because i haven't been this bad for the last 3 years. 

vicky told me afterwards that my fist was clenching just after he dropped this bombshell on me, which would relate to me thinking that i would like nothing more that to see him violently fall off his chair. he was one of the snottiest, big headed, and i must say, rude people, i have ever had the misfortune to encounter. it kinda makes me propose this question to the world; is there a decent medical professional who thinks solely about his patient, and not on statistics or their giant ego. i am really coming to the end of tether with doctors.

anyway, he has booked me in for a couple of nerve related tests, so i will let him run his stupid tests, and then go and find a real doctor who knows what a scalpel is, and knows how to pass basic english!

worse now...

well today im feeling alot worse than i usually am. my sciatic pains are more intense and it feels like someone is stabbing me with a very sharp butchers knife, and twisting it around my spine. but thats not all. my left leg is weak and has been for some time, but im feeling very strange sensations in my right leg, along with increasing sciatic pains. even getting off the couch is a struggle in itself today.

im trying my best to put any pains to one side as vicky is under the weather with an infection, and i want to be there to look after her, and i am trying my best, but it is very hard work just to do easy things like making a cup of tea. but i will carry on, i must carry on. i need to get her better, her health is alot more important than mine is.

i really do wish, and hope, that the neurosurgeon can do something to help me. tuesday cannot come round quick enough....

being screwed over!!

after my third attempt at getting DLA, recommended by my GP, my consultant, and the CAB, i have been declined yet again. this after i have learned that someone who gets a bit sad and anxious every now and again, got it straight away! i am so angry. it is called DISABILITY living allowance. what part of being "sad" is disabling. do these people not realise that seeing my mobility decrease day after day is upsetting?? there needs to be a serious shake up in the system. if needs be i will drag the DSS through every court in the land, until they realise that i am disabled, something that everyone around me can clearly see.

the same goes for the people who dish out disabled "blue badges". i have one of these, and i have it for a very good reason, but the people i often see hogging the disabled spaces, are people who can walk perfectly fine, maybe these people are a bit "sad" aswell, aww, diddums. i don't care who if anyone gets annoyed at me for saying this, as i am even more annoyed than they could possibly be. i understand that there are genuine people with genuine mental health issues who do need help with aspects of their lived, and i respect that, but people who blatantly take advantage of the system just to get an extra buck, which makes it harder for people who actually need the help, like me, need a serious kick up the backside! i have put in an appeal, but i do not hold my breath about it, as this wonderful government that we have is so set on cut backs because they messed everything up, they don't care who's lives they destroy. it would be better if there were a pack of donkeys running the country, at least when they get voted in, everyone knows that they are an "ass" from the start, and not learn it when it is too late.

anyway, im seeing the neurosurgeon in the next few days, so i shall write a new post when i know whats going on, again, im not holding my breath!!