a rather bad day

lately i have not been very well, even though i have tried to be active, i feel it is taking its toll on me. last week i got up off the couch, only to hear and feel a loud snap noise from my neck. the pain that followed was unbearable. NHS direct wanted me to go to hospital, but i refused. i went to my GP the following day and he said that it was probably a snapped tendon in my neck. however, i have now noticed that when i sneeze, i get very painful shooting pains down both arms. vicky has done some research about this, and it appears to be a problem with a disc in my cervical spine. so today i am layed up on the couch, popping pills as often as i can to try and take some of the pain away.

i was told 3 years ago that there was a chance that my problem could spread to other areas of my spine. this is after all, similar, if not a part, of arthritis, and arthritis can spread rather easily. so now i need to go back to my useless GP and ask him to take a look and possibly send me for an x-ray on my upper spine.

lately i feel like i have so much weight on my shoulders. i can no longer take the pills i was put on to control my panic attacks, as it made me so ill. it was probably a combination of the pills, the recent bout of the Nora virus, and the anxiety that caused me to experience severe stomach pains and vomit blood.

however i have recently received my new wheelchair, and it is alot more comfortable than my last one, and slightly lighter making it easier to get out of the car. but lately i feel embarrassed to be seen in public in a wheelchair. in booths yesterday, we bumped into someone vicky new, and she said that she didnt know i had to use a chair now, and wished me well, which was nice of her. but i felt so small, almost like i was on display. i guess i am just not used to it. i feel like i stand out in a crown. but what gets me so very angry, is arrogant people in supermarkets who simply will not give me any room to manoeuvre, thats if they even acknowledge that i am there. i got hit with a trolley by an old man, who didnt even apologise. just because im in a chair, doesnt mean i am invisible!  

as if i didnt have enough to cope with!

recently i have been placed on a new drug, one to help me stabilize my anxiety levels and prevent me having anymore hyperventilation attacks. this drug is called Trazodone. after just 3 days in this new pill, i noticed yesterday that things were definitely not right. i had the headache to end all headaches. i was constantly dizzy and nauseous. but all of this was overshadowed by the what felt like my stomach being ripped out.

soon after this, the diarrhoea kicked (i apologise if you are just sitting down to dinner, if so, come back later and carry on reading). i then started to live on the toilet, i couldnt bare going up and down the stairs, over and over again. and just when i thought it couldnt get any worse, i started to feel sick, and i mean really sick!

after lying in bed for a couple of hours, knowing that i didnt stand any chance of getting to sleep, i decided id rather watch a bit of crappy night time telly, than stare at the bedroom ceiling. so on the way down, i took another journey to the bathroom. after doing the usual, i could feel myself wrenching. so i quickly took the position. then it came. it began as just a bit of bile, but this soon changed. when i saw what was coming out of me, i was in shock, i couldnt believe my eyes... blood!!

so i decided to get a bucket and get on the couch. during the night there was several toilet trips, but threw up a further 3 times in the bucket, all of them containing blood. i tried relaxing on the couch, wishing i could fall asleep. i worked out that i didnt have more than 30 minutes sleep.

this morning i called my local GP's office, who talked to me on the phone, and told me it sounds like a whole in my stomach wall had formed, hence where the blood was coming from. he surprisingly turned up at our door a couple of hours later to examine me. he prescribed me meds that people with stomach ulcers would take. vicky however, had done some homework, and it turns out that Tramadol and Trazodone do not like being taken with eachother, although no GP had told me that before giving it me. i quizzed the GP about this, and he confirmed that vicky was right. yet another let down by the NHS! needles to say i have taken myself off the Trazodone, and i am planning on going cold turkey, no pills for at least the next 24 hours. i need to let my stomach heal itself, before i go shoving pain meds down my throat.

something new

as a person who suffers from a rather serious spinal problem, i am always looking out for new ways to try to relieve pain. then i heard through word-of-mouth of a new company who aims to help people with lumbar spinal problems by adjusting someone's  posture.  postureplast have kindly sent me a sample of their product for me to try. basically, its a large X shape plaster with a plastic strip inside. the aim is to make people adjust their posture into the 'safe zone'.

i have had mine on several hours, and all day, i can honestly say, i have been sitting correctly, with less pain, and when i alter my posture out of habit, the strut inside is there to remind me to re-adjust myself. it is comfortable to walk with, i have even been driving with it on today. and after having it on for just a few hours, i can already feel an improvement with the level of pain i am in.

for the first few minutes, it felt rather strange having something attached to my back, but after about an hour, i almost forgot it was there, up until i didn't sit correctly that is.

as someone who suffers from chronic pain in the lower back area, i can easily recommend postureplast to others in my situation, assuring that it is safe for all people to use. my only recommendation, is if you have a rather hairy lower back, i would consider trimming first, as the movement and pulling of the plaster can pull hairs, just like any other plaster!

is it gone yet??

as time goes on, the more and more i want this pain to go. it is really starting to ruin my life. i never asked for it, i never expected it, and now i have it, i want it gone as soon as humanly possible.  so now the aim is, once i get a bit of money together, i will beg any surgeon in the land (or outside of the land) to fix me. i dont care who does it, i dont care what language they speak or whether they got their medical licence from a kinder egg, i want them to fix me.

i want to be able to provide for vicky and her son. i want to go back out there and get a job. i want us to get a nice house with a garden for nath (and maybe more) to play in and enjoy. am i wrong for wanting this? is it really too much to ask for?? those people out there who have no money worries, no health worries, no worries in general, i envy you, i really do!

As for now, i feel as though i must go through this alone. I feel abandoned by all of those who were meant to support me, and the few that actually wanted to. This has quite simply ruined my life, something people just don't seem to realize.

finding the sweet spot

yesterday i tried something new. i tried closing the gaps in between the times i take my tramadol and pregabalin.  taking them at 3 hour intervals starting 12 noon. then at 6pm, i took a diazepam. at about 8pm, the pain started to subside, and i was feeling only slightly groggy. this is the closest i have been to being pain free for years! i will continue to stick to this timetable, unfortunately, to achieve optimum efficiency, i have to take the diazepam every 3 days, that means 2 day of agony in between the sweet spot i can enjoy every third evening.

this might be considered dangerous, taking tramadol so close together, but right now i dont really have much of a choice. i need to find a way to lessen my pain, even if its just for a few hours. it gives me a little hope and something to look forward to.

i feel like im losing my mind lately. the light at the end of the tunnel doesn't seem to be getting any closer, and i am trying to keep it together, but lately, i find even the smallest of tasks frustrating, and the slightest of things that i dont like, i find myself snapping at. this is not me, this is not who i am. i miss being the old me, i just hope the old me isnt lost for good.   

how bad can this get?

trying to be more active lately is taking its toll on my body. i am writing this, laying on the couch in agony. i feel like my spine need to click, like something is trapped. this is making all my muscles go into spasm. the pain down my legs is now worse than ever, and my legs have begun moving of their own accord.

vicky wants me to call a doctor, but i refused. i am sick of seeing doctors and medical professionals lately, and tired of being poked and prodded.

i am still waiting for a copy of my previous MRI and reports to come through the post. once i have these i will be contacting a hospital in Cyprus to see what they think, as i have heard good stories about them. i am growing less willing to let the NHS fix me. i will let them run all the tests they want to, just means more material to send to Cyprus.

as for my fight against ATOS, i am still waiting for a date about my DLA tribunal, and have still decided to give up with the ESA. there are only so many battles you can fight at one time. i am still waiting to hear back from Eric Ollerenshaw, my local MP, who said he was going to look into the matter of all my DWP disputes. i shall be sending him more correspondences soon if i have yet to hear from him, but again, i am not holding my breath!

for all those willing to join the fight against ATOS, whether you have had a bad experience personally, or just horrified about how they are treating this counties disabled people, then please join the facebook page https://www.facebook.com/groups/AntiAtosAlliance/

same ol same ol

its another day of being couch bound. vicky is up in Edinburgh for a few hours with a builder looking at her mums house. i am trying to take everything i can to keep myself relaxed and "pain free", but that never happens anyway.

i went to the GP yesterday. told her what had been happening, did a quick exam on me to rule out any signs of infection from the Myelogram on monday, luckily, that seems all clear which is good as i really couldn't be doing with that at the moment.

this GP, a woman, the first female GP i've seen in a long time, talked alot of sense. she said that right now there is no stronger pain killers she can give me until the results of the EMG and Myelogram get sent to the neurosurgeon. she also showed me a letter from my neurosurgeon stating that there is likely to be nerve irritation or compression, even though he said to me he thought it would be unlikely. if its not nerves, then my legs have grown a separate brain all of their own!

the GP also said that Myelograms are usually done before surgery, which has given me a bit of hope. i don't want surgery, i don't like surgery, but if it fixes me, then i welcome it. i should hopefully be receiving a letter through the post in the next week or so with an appointment to see my neurosurgeon. this will be one the most important appointments in life, i just hope its the news i really need to hear. 

when will it end?

after having my Myelogram on monday, the pains i have been experiencing since have not let up, they haven't even been getting any better. if this carries on i shall have to go to my GP. i have read that Myelograms can cause serious problems, problems that i simply cannot deal with right now. some of them are quite frightening, such as spinal meningitis. but im not going to get ahead of myself with this one. as hard as it is, im going to think positively.

i am currently split into 2 worlds. one is a fight with the NHS to get myself fixed and healthy (which to me, is priority), and the other joining a fight with other disabled people to fight against the government, the DWP, and ATOS against stripping innocent disabled people from their benefits and income, forcing them either into work, or into poverty.

i will not be voting for any party in the upcoming local elections, as all the parties seem to be as bad as the other, it would be like trying to pick the lesser of many evils. it seems all politicians want to punish the ill and reward scroungers who live their lives on job seekers allowance, not bothering to work and bleeding the country dry and preventing those who need the benefits to live. i thought it was just ATOS that needed to go, but now i realise the problem goes much deeper and higher up. they say shit flows down hill, well in this case, it flows back up, right to the top!

fighting for what's right

after looking around to see if there are any people in similar position to me when it comes to the Department for Work and Penions (DWP), i was surprised to discover many others who have had their benefits taken away and been declared fit for work by ATOS, the company hired by the government to assess and perform medical examinations on benefit claimants.

something i have learned lately is that the government has to ATOS to 'tighten the belt' when it comes to conditions needed for Employment and Support Allowance (ESA) and Disability Living Allowance (DLA). reports say that the government are stripping 92% of people on ESA, and 25% on DLA, regardless of their medical conitions.

that i why i have joined in with fellow campaigners against ATOS, here is their link @AtosStories and also with the @WelfareUnion on twitter. i hope that with joining these great campaign organisations, we can make a real difference and convince the government that not only what they are doing is morally wrong, but stripping disabled people from their income, and forcing them into work that they simply cannot do, is borderline bullying and disablism. i have set up an open facebook page for people who have been wronged by ATOS to come and share their stories and support the fight for what is right!